Things are going 'ok' i guess..
been to the psychiatrist on wednesday and he gave me some meds to help me organise things in my head.. for OCD and my anciety stuff.
People at home not much talkative to me, normally that would really bother me, and i would directly think i did something wrong, but since yesterday i do not care anymore...
I'm starting to be like them.. not caring about anything anymore..
I weighed 79 this morning...
Great progress I think.
Lost 12 kg since the 1 Jan.. I'm soo super proud of myself!!
It’s been quite a while since I carved my skin with a blade, except a few weeks ago that I managed to leave a mark on my back….
I all of a sudden have the urge to start cutting again, and again, and again. But I don’t, because since I stopped, I started caring what others might thing or say about the scars. Wondering if they will love/hate me more. At some points I cannot be bothered with this, at other points, I do care about what people think of me.
The blade used to be my friend, I could reach out, cut, clean the wound, stare at it for a while, cover it. Later I would scratch it, put soothing cream on it and lie about it.
Today I am on an utmost low. I want to cut... so darn deep and hard, and let it all bleed out!
I wonder what I so afraid of am.
I feel so very alone..
I live in a different country to study here.. I have no family and only a few friends.
Sometimes i wish i werent so alone, that the people I live with cared more.
They dont, to them i am invisible.
Sure as hell is a lot I have to say...
How the hell did I manage to get it this far?
I have to set new goals for myself:
1. Lose weight
2. Become reasured
3. Be more self confident!
Thats that for now!
So here i am, after a wonderful ski holiday... gained some pounds..
Aim for the coming week:
I need to be atleast 30 pounds lighter bij end June, thus means i have 2 and a half months..
Im EDNOS, clinically diagnosed first anorexic then bulemic - non binge - and now i am inbetween. Have been living with all these for the past 4-5 years.
Im not a SI'er anymore. I used to, but not anymore.
I would like to keep this journal online anonamously as i am scared my real written journal will be found again.
I am here to support others in the same situations.
I am not 'pro' anything nor am i 'anti' anything but i am not judgemental. I dont want to tell people what to do and i respect what they do with their life, i expect however the same.